Sunday, June 15, 2014

Remembering Daddy...

As I opened the door late last night, to let the dog out, I realized that it was a lot cooler outside than it was in the house…

I followed the dog outside and sat down in a rocking chair on the patio.  Of course, I immediately looked up at the stars.  I cannot look at the stars without thinking about my daddy.  We used to lay on his USMC green, wool blanket on the back lawn and look at the stars.  He would tell us the names of the constellations and how sailors used the stars to navigate.

I’ve told the story many times before, along with a lot of other memories about my daddy, on my blogs.  I guess the star-gazing memory is special to me…

As I sat there, looking up at the stars, I realized that my memories are tangible to me; perhaps because I think about them—and Daddy—often.  Something else occurred to me as I sat there: all those memories from so long ago happened right here in this same backyard.

Tangible memories….

I can sit where he sat, eat where he ate, look at pictures from our house back then….that is still my house now, and remember him.  And when I do, I feel surrounded and comforted by those same memories.

Life ends, eventually, for all of us.  I am so glad that my daddy lives on in my memories…

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!

Friday, June 13, 2014

Late Night Revelations...

He wants to buy a trowel.  Simple enough, right?  We couldn’t go to the big box store to get it today because he was too tired….

“Too tired” happens a lot around here, more so now than a couple of months ago, truly. And, of course, it’s understandable: that is what chemo does to a person. 
Still, he wants to buy that trowel…

I did get him out for a while yesterday morning: we went to Harbor Freight Tools, Kohl’s, and the neighborhood grocery store.  He bought more solar lights at HFT, then picked out new shorts at Kohl’s and, by the time we got to the grocery store, he was tired and waited for me in the car….

After watching golf, soccer, and political shows on TV this afternoon, he had to lie down again.  Because he was tired….

We’ll try again tomorrow to buy that trowel.

I was sitting on the couch tonight, watching “my” shows and I feeling sorry for myself.  There I was, alone, watching TV with nobody to talk to…. But that’s not true: there are a lot of people who would be glad to sit and talk with me, anytime I want.  

As I felt guilty, I suddenly realized something important about that darn trowel.  It represents hope. To him, trying to finish the enclosure he has been building (for the trash cans) requires a trowel.  We have the bags of cement, and sand, and the bricks.  The trowel is the only thing keeping him from finishing the project.

He needs the trowel because he intends to finish the project!

We have always looked at this cancer journey as one that we would survive and recover from.  We have talked about travel plans when he feels better and getting back to our routine of weekly “adventures” together.

True, he can’t finish the enclosure right now because he is too tired.  But, in his mind and heart, this condition is temporary and eventually, he will need that trowel.

Viewing a bad time as temporary and having hope that things will be much better in the future is important if we are to get through these hard days and my infrequent bouts of “poor me.”  Hope is the lifesaver we have to cling to as we try to stay afloat in a sea of uncertainty.

Hope is a trowel….