He wants to buy a trowel. Simple enough, right? We couldn’t go to the big box store to get it today because he was too tired….
“Too tired” happens a lot around here, more so now than a couple of months ago, truly. And, of course, it’s understandable: that is what chemo does to a person.
Still, he wants to buy that trowel…
I did get him out for a while yesterday morning: we went to Harbor Freight Tools, Kohl’s, and the neighborhood grocery store. He bought more solar lights at HFT, then picked out new shorts at Kohl’s and, by the time we got to the grocery store, he was tired and waited for me in the car….
After watching golf, soccer, and political shows on TV this afternoon, he had to lie down again. Because he was tired….
We’ll try again tomorrow to buy that trowel.
I was sitting on the couch tonight, watching “my” shows and I feeling sorry for myself. There I was, alone, watching TV with nobody to talk to…. But that’s not true: there are a lot of people who would be glad to sit and talk with me, anytime I want.
As I felt guilty, I suddenly realized something important about that darn trowel. It represents hope. To him, trying to finish the enclosure he has been building (for the trash cans) requires a trowel. We have the bags of cement, and sand, and the bricks. The trowel is the only thing keeping him from finishing the project.
He needs the trowel because he intends to finish the project!
We have always looked at this cancer journey as one that we would survive and recover from. We have talked about travel plans when he feels better and getting back to our routine of weekly “adventures” together.
True, he can’t finish the enclosure right now because he is too tired. But, in his mind and heart, this condition is temporary and eventually, he will need that trowel.
Viewing a bad time as temporary and having hope that things will be much better in the future is important if we are to get through these hard days and my infrequent bouts of “poor me.” Hope is the lifesaver we have to cling to as we try to stay afloat in a sea of uncertainty.
Hope is a trowel….