Living With Cancer...

On a scale of 1 to 10, our life is somewhere around an 8.  It would be a 10, truly, if it weren’t for his cancer battle.  Life together has always been fun: he completes me and I complete him.  We find the joy in every day and find happiness in a simple existence.

People used to comment that we seemed to always be going and doing…. We went to the mountains frequently, since they are almost literally in our backyard. Picnics, hikes, photos, and a view that visitors come from all over the world to see…. Couldn’t ask for much more. 

 

We went out to eat several times a month.   One of our favorite trips is to Fresno, an hour away.  We have a couple of favorite restaurants up there and shops we like to visit.  Podunk no longer has a bookstore, so Barnes&Noble  in Fresno is always a fun destination.

We have travelled, too: Yosemite, Yellowstone, Chicago, Milwaukee, Disneyland, Las Vegas, LA, Monterey, and my favorite: Morro Bay.  Yet we don’t have to leave town to have an adventure. Even going to the grocery store (Tuesday mornings, mostly) is fun just because we are together.

All that changed on January 4, 2014, at ten-thirty at night: the surgeon walked into the ER exam room and told us: he has colon cancer.  We spent the next two hours, alone together, in that darkened room, thinking.  And praying. Each time I started to cry softly, he would squeeze my hand and say “I love you.”

It has now been almost five months since that fateful day.  To us, it seems like a lifetime.  In the beginning, there was numbness, with resolution.  “We will fight this” we would say.  He said he would do whatever was necessary to help himself get well.  I said that, if love could cure his cancer, he would be cured.

The early months were a maze of doctor visits, tests, labs, and trips to the pharmacy.  I started a binder to keep all of the pertinent information together and to record his journey.  At nearly five months, the binder is two inches thick…

As he began chemotherapy, we were hopeful: he had chemo for three days every two weeks.  By the end of chemo week, he was beginning to bounce back.  By the beginning of the week off from chemo, he was nearly himself again…

But chemo is cumulative: each time he has chemo, he bounces back a little less.  Each time he has chemo, his chances of having all the nasty side effects increase.  Now that he has completed nine chemo sessions, bouncing back is minimal…

Now we plan our outings more carefully.  We have to optimize his chances of enjoying what we are planning to do.  And now, we mostly just go to the grocery store on Tuesdays…

It’s all doable, we both agree.  I tell him that we will look back on this time and realize how hard it was, and rejoice that we made it through and he is getting better and stronger.  His lab numbers seem to verify that he IS doing better, so maybe all the suffering now will have a big payoff later.  I hope so.

It doesn’t bother me that his hair is falling out.  Or that he tires easily and has to nap frequently.  I look at him, nearly forty pounds lighter than a year ago, and I have grown used to it… His gaunt face is a reminder, to me, of the battle he is waging.

But sometimes I hate what has happened to him.  Sure, the massive chemo drugs he is being given have improved “his numbers” but they have taken such a toll on him physically.  And when I see that, it is like a fist to my gut….

Last night, as I walked into the kitchen, he was getting some plastic wrap out of the drawer.  My “what are you doing” was met with his explanation: “I fixed myself something to eat but I can’t eat it…..”  Sitting there on the kitchen counter was a lovely salad: lettuce, tomatoes, and sliced chicken, untouched.

I was so angry!  The irony of it all: here is a man who, more than ever, needs nutrition to help his body fight the cancer AND the chemo and he can’t even eat.  Why?  Mouth sores.  Mouth sores that are unabated by “magic mouthwash” and Orajel.  “What can I do to help him?” I asked myself…

The truth is, there is nothing I can do except support him, love him, find some more liquid nutrition for him…..and pray.

And I pray mightily.  Day and night….

Celebrating Life...

Well, it’s my birthday.  I have had a lot of birthdays in my time.  A few parties, gifts, and their memories linger for many of them. 

 I remember turning eighteen: I had been up all night finishing a paper for my Contemporary History class.  I slept in, and then went to school in the afternoon. When I got home, there were eighteen pink roses waiting for me, a gift from my boyfriend.

Most of my birthday celebrations were family affairs.  As a child, I was allowed to choose what I wanted for supper on my birthday: I always chose barbequed spare ribs.  And mostly got them…

As a mother with small children, my birthday became less of an occasion as my children’s birthdays took center stage.  My youngest was born on May 27^th, so I stopped having my own birthday cake.  It was just too much to have two birthday cakes in two days.

I remember my fortieth birthday.  I spent the day alone, moping.  When it was finally over, I was ready to carry on with my life.  Just that day bothered me….

That’s sort of where I am right now, without the moping.  I celebrate the day with family and then just carry on…. I have reached the age where many of my friends and acquaintances have died.  Any thoughts of immortality or invulnerability are gone…

Each day is like a birthday: waking up and being grateful for the day I have been given.  By making every day special, a birthday is less of a celebration and more of a normal occurrence. I like it that way: celebrating the everyday and appreciating what each day brings. 

And yes, celebrating birthdays is still fun.  My kids will be here later today for a BBQ, not spare ribs but hamburgers.  And the cake is left over from John’s birthday in March.  It’s a little munched after being in the freezer but, I’m sure, it will still be delicious.

Happy Today!  This is my present….

[P]interesting....

It’s hard to believe that summer is almost over, but it is.  Around here, the kids are back in school, even as the temperatures are languishing perilously close to the triple digit mark.  But the seasons really are in transition, I believe. Yesterday, I purchased faux flowers (I love that term) in lovely fall colors…

I have a party coming up a month from today, and I want to be ready.  Of course, that means turning to my fave internet site: Pinterest .  With almost 36,000 “pins” to date, you might think that my house is cleaned using homemade, environmentally-friendly household ingredients. My house is impeccably decorated for the current holiday season. Our meals are healthy, nutritious, and beautiful to see. We travel to exotic places frequently. I wear fashionable clothes, accessorize perfectly, wear cute shoes, and use Nutella in hundreds of different ways. Oh, and I buy things at flea markets and spruce them up with chalk paint…

Yeah, right.

I guess, for some, Pinterest is the stuff of daydreams, or good intentions.  Or just a “trip” to another place, I suppose.  Not me.  I have actually made some of the recipes I have pinned, used some of the cleaning tips, decorated with ideas I saw on Pinterest, and  printed out my favorite quotes.

It’s not all about me, either.  I have a board full of garden ideas for him to do….(hasn’t happened yet, but I’m an optimist!).  I have found great ideas for birthday presents, birthday cards, and scrapbooking.

It’s a never-ending journey of discovery and learning.  Fascination and frustration.  No, the recipes aren’t always tested, the chalk paint may be a little thick, and the “easy” thing isn’t always easy.  It’s a lot of trial and error but, as one of my favorite quotes says: “if you’re not failing, you’re not trying.”

And so, I pin.  Every day, at least once a day.  I find the most wonderful things and add them to my life. Some of my current favorite “things” are:

I have collected quotes forever, but now they're all in one place!

 

My favorite place to be....

A fairly new board filled with snippets of history.

 

I started this board when I was planning my studio.

 

Would LOVE to have an RV again!

Who doesn't like cheap?

 

My current fave color (sorry, Pink!)

 

I'm really liking industrial style right now...

Whatever you do today, enjoy the ride!

Cali

Blog Redux: "Run, Forrest, Run!"

{Here's a repeat from last year.  It still resonates with me.  I hope you enjoy it!}

“Life is like a box of chocolates….”

Last week, on Wednesday, we had lunch at Bubba Gump’s on Cannery Row, in Monterey, CA.  For an hour or so, we were immersed in all things Forrest Gump.  The waitress even quizzed us on our knowledge of facts from the movie.  We got 4 out of 5 right!

I love the premise of that movie: life is what we make it, and our image of ourselves is more important that what other people think they see.  That sense of self-esteem is what made Forrest so successful in his endeavors.

On our table was a sign: “Run Forest Run” in blue.  Underneath it was another sign, in red: “Stop Forrest Stop”…  The waiter explained that we should turn the sign to the red one if we needed anything, or leave it on the blue if everything was fine.

In my life, I think I leave the blue sign up most of the time.  I might not be running, per se, but I am moving and doing and being.  Only in times of great sorrow, as the death of my parents, have I had to turn up the red sign.  Even then, I’m back to the blue sign as soon as possible.

Life is going to happen, whether we want it to or not.  We can go with the flow or buck the tide.  The choice is always ours, as are the consequences. 

Sometimes in my life, I feel that I have faced a brick wall, six feet high and ten feet wide.  I have tried and tried to climb over the wall without success.  And then, at some point, figured out that I can just walk around it most of the time…

So, maybe that’s a good motto for this time in my life:  “Run Forrest Run……” 

And I think I will keep moving, keep being, and keep living until the sun goes down for the last time.

Pass the chocolates, please!

Cali